Fellowship, Grateful For the Difficulties That Mold Me

A great feeling when around someone who is fighting as hard as you are for better. Not all come with the "Golden Goose" of solutions or saviors as in those looking out for one another. Understanding where one is coming from is key and if one feels the worth to go it together why not? We all have our strength for a reason and sometimes it is to just always be there. It reminds me of a woman who once told me to stop crying over always being there for others more than they are for you. She said, "You are still hear and maybe your purpose is to deal with the difficult. Just keep helping and in return it will help you." 

Yet, at that time over ten years ago I was homeless, a thing that is common for me due to my own actions. Not to say they are malicious, but towards my well-being they were. I would look out for others even when I knew it was my last and I would have to go to another for a hand out. Understanding this and realizing a change needed to be made brings me to where I am right now. In the same boat for other reasons but same outcome. Broke and homeless. 

Well, I have a home due to circumstance and to see all the love from people whose only connection is my son and his father, was at first hurtful for realizations I never wanted to accept. Mostly because of pride and still caring how my family who always find room to talk about me, yet never really talk to me would have more to say. I find that yes I am very angry with them. I will always be until the elephants in the room a skirted out. As I have on many occasions confronted many with heart racing not knowing what tongue lashing I would open up to and do, they rather be afraid of the wrath they are accomplices to. 

Nothing will ever be made right if congregations about my well-being and mostly downfall are topics of conversation I am privy to after the fact and yet no one have the balls without judgement to confront. A sibling tried and went about it all wrong. In this public back and forth since I can cut up in the house but for good old "Tet Cho" Nancy she gets it live and in public for more unwarranted scrutiny am belittled by a person who was too young at time all was boiling and festering to understand. To understand why I left home at 17 bare-foot walking to my then Pastors home a few blocks away. Thankful for a sibling who from birth has always seen and understood me. She made it clear the approach to me after knowing I am talked about but never addressed was not a good look. I got slammed on and told why I was a failure, I watched my father protect and shield this sibling something he never did for me, and I was the one publicly humiliated for any neighbor to hear and see. 

So when I am there for someone who is in the same boat, I just look at the lack of this same vigilant unconditional support I do not get from many in my own family. Not all are this way and even the one giving the lashing I forgave the moment the words that hurt so much came out their mouth. I just knew if they knew the full story I never divulged to them because of tender age when so much was going on they too would understand like their older sibling who seems to be the only one who truly gets me and without judgement or malice. She shows me unconditional love no matter how many times I fall. So really wish sometimes people would stop criticizing and just sit and reflect on their own watched actions when they are toting their beliefs while doing exactly the opposite of a man many love to reference name, Jesus. 

I will be there even when it hurts because I take my "Suffrage" badge with honor now to know it hurts and yet feels good to now accept why I must. We all have our purpose and mine is just to always be reachable for those who need to see that one can keep being slammed over and over but never give up as they choose to. Go through it, take time off, but as long as there is breathe there is room to fix anything. Just some days are more lonely and harder than others and find it is now okay to revel in them. Just never let the bad thoughts control the good. Find those things, rituals that pull you out and wean off those who encourage limiting behavior no matter if they are the only one giving you attention. 

Just my thoughts as I finished mopping the floor. Just be you and find you how ever it works for you while taking advice that fits your whole truth. Knowing thy self also comes with knowing not all advice is good advice even if it sounds good.