Man, January 1st 2018, Aquarius Dawn Nancy Is More Alive!

By Aquarius Dawn Nancy

Listening to the blues, not because I am blue, just because. The women like Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and so many more blues with jazz singers just move me. I like to listen to music and helps get the work done. Much introspection done after hell broke loose. 

I no longer trust law enforcement. I no longer believe in the Justice System. I have decided to date a man who shows me actions I only use to hear of and it makes me "Feel Good" at a time my heart longs for my wrongfully taken daughter, Goddess-Isis. She lives among a bunch of unscrupulous liars I no longer consider descent people. I just find solace in that the spirit of my ancestors saw me through what many whom claim a false faith perpetuated with the help of crooked personnel whom used unethical practices to pry into my records, put misinformation in reports, and did all this in the name of "Their Jesus". 

With that said, I must keep to convictions and deal with those who keep it real. Just paused writing because I got a great gift from Blu Headz Entertainment. 😊 Love when a medium gives me permission to use their content! #ThankYou it just warms my heart! 

Bye for now, off to post and blog about more Giants 😎😉🤗🤓☺

Loosing My Baby

My only memory of Rosslyn's keepsake given to me day taken off life support. Her diaper she wore, her name tag : Baby Francois, and the knitted outfit the give mothers who loose a child made by a woman who also lost her own. Then the picture they took of her after she passed. It has taken these nine years for me to get here and though tough around these months. The groups or pages I joined like Baby Angels In Heaven and others routine "Pick Me Ups" help. I can talk but some things I do not go into especially with those I stick around, namely kin. Just found my way to stay happy but learned after cancer scare, to not hold in tears or feelings. So these groups help me see what others say and prep me for when I can go that step and be open in one. You can never get over something you beat yourself up over mentally such as a loss. Just this pregnancy was not so smooth when I learned it was a girl. I do feel girls are cursed and worse off when left vulnerable and suseptible to manipulation due to longing for love . So, I post as Cover Photo as part of my yearly ritual if coping and dealing how I see fit. #JustHelps :)

Silent No More: Molestation

#SilentNoMore The other day I asked a "Two-Faced" sibling who loves to embelish and lie to make self look pittiful to others to not mention her father who molested me and another sibling. She of course was a bit set back, but I had enough of a family who had been told, did nothing and still refer to this man as "Papi Saul". My bitter days are over cause they had to be. From five to sixteen it was a different world in my mothers home she shared with this manipulator who to this day she speaks to and reveres as the best man she ever had. Yeah, it's sadly like that. Four years ago at my breaking point and during break up with sons father I started letting things out. Many I grew up with knew nothing of this and those who did found their own reasoning to shrug off while I from nine learned to cope. Whether the nightly pissing in bed that stopped around six, the self help books I would find in the South Regional Library at nine or just telling myself I will not be crazy like my mom so get it together when I felt mentally overwhelmed. Going through insensitive family member comments and shows of acceptance of this person mentioned above hurt for many years but due to my nature I wanted  family and dealt. Yet at 34 and just not bothered as before about loosing family who wanted secrets kept but back bite, enter new ppl in equation who learned and also join in the love "Papi Saul" parade makes me say enough. I may be having a little girl and it makes me scared about her world I must protect. It makes me more distant from members who carry on and more ready to just be out. If this family can shrug the mental games and sexual abuse I and other sibling were subject to, why should I be harboring this and allowing all else to keep up the fiscade? Some will have to go through it to understand. I once asked another sibling, "Had your daughter come to you about being molested, would you keep mentioning the persons name in front of them? This family of mine needs to really do as their faith says, and mediate or stop the gossip and lying.  #ItHappened

Cancer Health - The Doctor Appointment

Yesterday was like a day of epiphanies that just knock the wind out of you as you inhale more strength to keep pushing on. I had a heart to heart with my boyfriend. As we spoke about our joint pursuits and individual ones, we hashed out our next plan of action towards our goals.

I want it all and "Power of Attraction" and the will to keep striving has brought all coming to fruition to a head. When you are relaxed with one area, it is time to handle others. I want most to be with my son every night and understand that is not a reality with how things are now. I will always take all past situations as a learning curve as I follow my dreams, break chains to repeating cycles, and staying the course through all health matters.

I almost slipped with VR today as he asked, "Why I went to the doctor?" I talked to his dad the day the mass was found and told him I did not want to tell him. I find with knowing thyself and not being in his head that if like me, it is best not to say a thing till definitive it is more than a benign tumor or something manageable.

With how things are and my big disdain for pity parades, I will not be one to divulge much on matter then what I stated in blogs before or to those I know care for real more than just wanting to know. I will be vlogging about experience so at least for my solace of being down this road before and always alone on so many levels, feels compelled to at least leave a remnant of me that my son and future seeds can see. We all want to be immortalized in our children's eyes and mine is just one way of letting me tell it, my story.

When you feel cheated at times with always getting the shit end of the stick each and every time, one tends to take things into their own hands. So as I receive great news today that brings more money my way to do way more, I also prepare to deal with some scary shit. My baby loves me and just the fact he understands why I do all I do for his peace of mind brings me my greatest joy. Just want to have one thing pan out ideally. I just love my baby!

The Current Situation: "Forgive and Forget" While Elephants Trample All In Sight?

The Current Situation: Yesterday I spent most of the day in the hospital with my estranged mother. We are close but not close. The use of the word estranged is based on the definition of the word and the fact that is how our relationship is. Just recently got back into talking after so much. We were both at fault for differing reasons of course, just one lesson is the matters that cause blows are not addressed. I no longer care to perpetrate there is no problem and choose not to be around much. Even if pigs fly and it would be addressed, I would not care to be there.

 One who grew up as I did could relate. If one feels I am detached, this is an area you will see that all over. Tears, never shed for her more than the lack of anything affectionate from her is all. You learn quick when young and as I was to not get feelings hurt over and over after the first few times. This safety mechanism though is also why I have no deep emotions, trust me I have tried. Will not beat myself up anymore.

I believe an eye for an eye in many situations. Some's personal mental hell is enough for me as relief in some cases with people who have wronged me. I say this in a reflective manner, the fact I do not know or care to anymore become warm to those I moved on from is paramount for me. So yes, I care as in how all should care for another no matter what they did because they are human. Yet, for me to just perpetrate, it is not in me and I choose not to have inner conflict over it.

My sanity is more important to me and some things parents allow is inexcusable, vile, and just destructive on so many levels to a child of theirs productive future. It takes one much to overcome so much neglect while still getting their shit together. So I do not mind being there because she gave me life, I am a softee sometimes, and she deserves what we all do, someone to just have compassion.

Compassion is possible once one can put aside for the moment the hurt and just look at an older person, who had their reasons to allow such past occurrences, and just needs to be taken care of.

My only thing is I no longer care to be around long. It just irritates me the things I must put up with. The elephants in the room have reached 500,000 and multiplying fast as the years go by on the over twenty five years of bullshit. I use such vulgarity because this subject matter does that for some reason. Any who I just feel for people even those who have done me wrong. Just learning to stop trying to "Forgive and Forget" while I must be reminded no one gives a damn.

So, it gets a bit much for me to be around much that is brushed under the rug just for me to keep seeing names, hearing mentions, and watching the jovial conversations that bring up parties in a revering way. Just a slap in the face each time while you get others saying to "Forgive and Forget".

How is one to "Forgive and Forget" when it is thrown in your face no one cares? I get that every day for the past twenty five years and it comes to a point one must put their foot down. The mental ware and tear of always making it alright in your head while all else get to be loose with their actions and comments.

So I just have said, "Enough with trying, just be there, and move on." Move on as in away from all that brought the same reactions. So if one wants to front and I do not get down like that without words said on the phony, I will just not be in their presence much or at all. I do not bite my tongue and will slip. I like to get things over with no matter if full of anxiety myself on the matter.

I want that anxious feeling over with no matter how long it takes. Cancer, loosing my baby and life circumstances changed that. I refuse to subject myself to bullshit. I just do not care to rehash more than my occasional mental release on here or in my journals. I am a come to mind, let it out and move on person. I have to let it out, that which bothers me. I use to hold it in and it got me what stress does, dis ease.

I have lived it, the outcomes of stress on the mind and body. I would not wish it on anyone and why I go about my sons care a way. I would never want him to experience anything I have. I will as yesterday morning take the berating I get, as long as he is spared.

Those doing the berating will never understand and my wanting one to back in the day is not my current goal anymore. I am fine with my decisions and see the benefits already. I am moving on from yesterday and the stress.

Today I just want to get acclimated, chill and work a bit. Really wish at times I could just shut off my "Give A Damn Switch" for some. I am slowly getting there through it all and just leave my mother in the equation of parents to worry about. After my assessment of both, she was there most even if so much happened.