Silent No More: Molestation

#SilentNoMore The other day I asked a "Two-Faced" sibling who loves to embelish and lie to make self look pittiful to others to not mention her father who molested me and another sibling. She of course was a bit set back, but I had enough of a family who had been told, did nothing and still refer to this man as "Papi Saul". My bitter days are over cause they had to be. From five to sixteen it was a different world in my mothers home she shared with this manipulator who to this day she speaks to and reveres as the best man she ever had. Yeah, it's sadly like that. Four years ago at my breaking point and during break up with sons father I started letting things out. Many I grew up with knew nothing of this and those who did found their own reasoning to shrug off while I from nine learned to cope. Whether the nightly pissing in bed that stopped around six, the self help books I would find in the South Regional Library at nine or just telling myself I will not be crazy like my mom so get it together when I felt mentally overwhelmed. Going through insensitive family member comments and shows of acceptance of this person mentioned above hurt for many years but due to my nature I wanted  family and dealt. Yet at 34 and just not bothered as before about loosing family who wanted secrets kept but back bite, enter new ppl in equation who learned and also join in the love "Papi Saul" parade makes me say enough. I may be having a little girl and it makes me scared about her world I must protect. It makes me more distant from members who carry on and more ready to just be out. If this family can shrug the mental games and sexual abuse I and other sibling were subject to, why should I be harboring this and allowing all else to keep up the fiscade? Some will have to go through it to understand. I once asked another sibling, "Had your daughter come to you about being molested, would you keep mentioning the persons name in front of them? This family of mine needs to really do as their faith says, and mediate or stop the gossip and lying.  #ItHappened

Reflections: Those Confusing Moments That Have You Reflecting

Just not feeling much that use to be anymore. February 13th will find me thirty-four and with all I have been through, I just am more tired than affected. Just know that the energy once put into even replying to someones provocation just not even of interest if again, same old.

So right now as usual loving the new planned additions of more control of HAY Online Media brand. Our freelance portal on a affiliate site is promising to help foster the supportive community that wants to really help those seeking assistance with DIY measures to their online presence.

Since much online within the Diaspora do not see sunlight unless pimping it on Facebook which I am reading has reached agreements to allow indexing but noticed result from FB for a while now. So that there was one thing that confirmed suspicion of Search Engine dreams. Then the suspect things, lol.

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. Now the blogging sphere, I am getting back into and though been practicing much, there are certain things I want to more focus on now. Really all that was learned and also helping others understand online presence is also of focus. So a full plate on top of additions to client roster and then the updates to information online since keys ones made it and the demographic make ups are key focus for me this year. Being more efficient as in not just being on the Haitian version of anything. If any platform will do the same, that is where I will be sharing those talented youth who are so amazing. Just love it all happening while my personal life really sucks right now.

Just not liking the nightmares coming back at my age and the awkward feelings since much of what is being done is nothing new. Just as before I am tired of some limiting things. I just need to really close eyes to the things that are creeping in I do not want any part of. Just want to make sure VonRoss never experiences what I have and his angel, Rosslyn watches him as she did when he was in my womb. Just scary when so much you leave to another due to environments you choose not to subject you child to. He is my motivation as to why I go hard, but more so why I cut so many off. No time and again just convictions dictate to keep it real with my son. Also the convictions have me do all I do. I am blessed and lucky to have Ross as my son's father because he has a great role model who learned quick and has not been a disappointment. Just pray he is in favor always to be blessed with longevity to be there for VonRoss where I may not be.

I always felt things would be a way and see now it is why so much is being done at lightning speed and I am just along for the ride. No sense now to act scared. Just my thoughts right now among many more. #AquariusThing

Schizophrenia: Growing Up With A Parent Who Is Manic Depressive Schizo-Effective

Adele - Hello #YouTube

Listening to Adele, one of my many "Song Cry" artists that let me connect with my emotions. This song brings so many emotions to me at the times played for whatever reason it is. I am one that is true to my sign, Aquarius. I will be found more vocal than the anxious locked up in cage girl who loved the social scene but wanted so much to have her own space to just "Breathe". 

So as I listen to Adele, Hello song it makes me relive so much and reach the point of "Anymore". No more will I let my own demons hinder all other areas going well. I am soon to be married to a man who has shown me strength in a mans own transitions. He opens up to me in ways he does not to another and I realize that with appreciation. My world is as usual all up in the air, the only difference is this year it has not affected me as before. 

Before I would be a total basket case running away from the drama to come back to it later. That address it later aspect I have been working on has found me using this medium as one of the tools to release. I am grateful to Ms. Fab of Girl Talk with Ms. Fab because as I sought her for mentoring young girls, she has been helping me for four years heal. She has been working with me on my relationship issues and my inner conflicts of the me I see in relation to the estranged relationship between me and my mother.

This past fall a part of my world I thought under control became unraveled. I learned some horrible news. It has reinforced my mission to make sure my son is good and all other kids are. We always find meaning in a movement. Well mine started with a nine year old girl not wanting to be like her mother and save a nation. That sounds so cliche, but it is my truth. Thank you!!!#Hello #SongCry

What The Fucks With The Lies?

I just cannot be phony, not even with family. You cannot come and mediate or whatever, then keep the "Jesus" shit to yourself. One coming to me on my statement, can miss me with it. For real, ugh. The "Big Brother" God in the sky watching knows I put up with too much religious bullshit and been too kind and kinder to just X. But these individuals have made me want to sing, sing of all the bullshit this family harbors, ashamed of and gossip to all about yet never once invite one talked of to the table except to show how nice it looks. I was never jealous, just not going to let a "Bougie" thinking woman try me left and right. I would say a word but respect the children she raised though they have continually hurt feelings. I still love em but am very disappointed to see em carry on her behavior. The one that started all this too, "My Kids Are Better" issue at that. A parent is not to lay the seeds of hate, and yet all my life I watch Christian ones whether then not following right as told with supposed pagan rituals just fuck shit up. No accountability but running mouth, sinning, and then find time to discuss me but not talk to me. I am 33, and I am dealing with cancer not one of these Christians FB me on, ever call to ask how I am, but posting God this and that. If I am so unworthy of common respect, why are you worthy to call yourself a "Christian" as you guys state yourselves you are? I need to protect my heart, my mental and my spirit to not do what they all say to. It is not nice and I am over the unfair treatment, the talking to friends about siblings who needed a father to man up, not his children from a woman who is vindictive over taking a man from another woman to find it was all lies. I feel bad for her but who feels or says they do for the neglect, molestation, abuse, and so much still going on? Where is "Christ" in that? Why was it I was shut up but all get to sing like a canary about me behind my back? I just want this answered, "As I suffered, where was my dad and your mother in all this? Why did they not protect me and you know? Why were we not worth it to save? Why is it easy for you guys to judge what you never tried to understand fairly?"

Note: This family needs to clean up its shit without me. I have to put me first and this is part of me continuing to. You guys may feel as if you were there due to answering a call or two, saying hi here and there. Just keep it to gossip at the table and miss me with it. If you can ponder so much about me, then you should have been able to reach out or just keep my name out your mouths since you were not there to be judging hearsay. That is what you guys do, talk shit and then ask one to “Forgive and Forget”, no heal and reflect. Let the other heal and get their apologies, but I am no longer entertaining some. If not that, then WWJD bracelets need to be burned. It takes much to say and do but I must exit. Best that way since some are getting older screaming, “They cannot take what they created by taking up for a few while shunning the rest.” We were not the “Rest” remember that. We were here before the family was broken up in 1985. Get the stories straight then understand why some cannot be bothered with false judgement's that have many told bull that is not true. The one causing the division knows they were the homewrecker. Marriage does not absolve that fact a relationship was broken and the one who did it still meddles. What if I wanted to be vindictive for that? Would I not have every right based on how you guys use misguided information to judge and treat me as such? I no longer am held by the feelings of being alone if I decided to take the stance I am. I just want it known that I too have a heart and feelings. That is all.

Why I Support HAY Online

While Black American is told about their no clothes wearing selves other races are embracing theirs well and raking in the dough but many allow prude attitudes placed within community to have many blind while others dance circles. We have tasteful as well as raunchy. Just support it all as all other races who seem to be dominant by society’s perception. Wealth building, think of it in different ways. Like the ones you are made to shun while other strippers or pole dancers make money and compete but a black girl stripping cannot be encouraged to bring it to the same competition that winning can help repair her self-esteem and change her self-talk around her daughter who may see it easy to make choices when she too waiting for the generational gap in breaking chains fully take affect she finds herself in. The one that had her mother see dancing instead of going into a homeless shelter or be a prostitute though sex sells there too. It is in the champagne room. Life has one like I introduced to much and almost making decisions that many have followed through with. I just do not judge because I too could have been out here loose and almost was. I had many saving graces and wish many would stop being fooled, the more you support certain angles many may shun the more wealth we build. They buy into it when they take it and make it their own, why not keep your fire and maintain it? Support because it is our only way if one is not paying attention to patterns. You as a black person do it, it is ostracized most by your own kind. Yet too many will be supporting their own in other races doing the same damn thing and even making associations,. When this is tried in the Black community, the "Crab Mentality" comes out and it is a wrap that also is an MO those using it against you have years of understanding and now much data to pinpoint. As a community we do not share as much, like as much or support as much online as other counterparts. So my thing from now on is to ignore much in movements till I see real drastic measures more than instigating, solutions I see working. Just focused on those like my son who need all the help they can get. Why not I as a mother with a lifelong dream to help the youth do so now? He is the biggest reason I came back at it after so much before of the same "Foolishness". I just support HAY Online prospects that are vetted and helped along the way. Serious entrepreneurs who deserve it through online prowess observed in how they brand themselves online. Respect those "Beasts"! #SelfMotivation #MothersSacrifice #NoTime #SupportHAYOnline

Cancer Health - The Doctor Appointment

Yesterday was like a day of epiphanies that just knock the wind out of you as you inhale more strength to keep pushing on. I had a heart to heart with my boyfriend. As we spoke about our joint pursuits and individual ones, we hashed out our next plan of action towards our goals.

I want it all and "Power of Attraction" and the will to keep striving has brought all coming to fruition to a head. When you are relaxed with one area, it is time to handle others. I want most to be with my son every night and understand that is not a reality with how things are now. I will always take all past situations as a learning curve as I follow my dreams, break chains to repeating cycles, and staying the course through all health matters.

I almost slipped with VR today as he asked, "Why I went to the doctor?" I talked to his dad the day the mass was found and told him I did not want to tell him. I find with knowing thyself and not being in his head that if like me, it is best not to say a thing till definitive it is more than a benign tumor or something manageable.

With how things are and my big disdain for pity parades, I will not be one to divulge much on matter then what I stated in blogs before or to those I know care for real more than just wanting to know. I will be vlogging about experience so at least for my solace of being down this road before and always alone on so many levels, feels compelled to at least leave a remnant of me that my son and future seeds can see. We all want to be immortalized in our children's eyes and mine is just one way of letting me tell it, my story.

When you feel cheated at times with always getting the shit end of the stick each and every time, one tends to take things into their own hands. So as I receive great news today that brings more money my way to do way more, I also prepare to deal with some scary shit. My baby loves me and just the fact he understands why I do all I do for his peace of mind brings me my greatest joy. Just want to have one thing pan out ideally. I just love my baby!

Cancer Health - Aquarius Dawn Emergency Trip Turns Into More

Yesterday was not a good day. After having some symptoms I am use to at times news is never nice, I had to go in for an emergency visit to hospital after falling in the shower. The day before I had to catch myself from falling after a dizzy spell while walking to the front door from my car. I know I have Vertigo that was diagnosed when I worked at IHOP a few years back, but all these symptoms at once for a prolonged period is alarming. Then to think I would get certain news as to why feeling tired more and always fatigued quickly I attributed to stress and deaths in just one month, is more hormonal. Yet with all that also being a factor, the appointments I had to make yesterday after my ultrasound show more is of concern. Though I knew things could lead to this outcome, I really did not think so soon after exploratory surgery of another organ showed great images.

It is scary and I work hard not to let things get to me, but I am scared for real. So as I learn that a mass in my ovary has formed while I have been feeling tight pain all of a sudden there bothers me because it reminds me. Reminds me every time before the cancer word was used or alluded to I was always at a stage before a spread. So I feel that there is a reason all my life I was in tune with my body and why I always was brought to the doctors from a young age for ailments within time to avoid worst outcomes. Thus the reason at fourteen to see a Gynecologist for hormonal imbalance issues and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome that was diagnoses after five years of observation was a must too. I know the ropes and always handle the emotional aspect myself since many even if they were present at a visit never care or mention matter again.  At twenty three years of age, abnormal cells were discovered. I went a different route in stress moderation and next visit all cells were gone. 

Fast forward five years and another biopsy shows cells changing at a stage before spreading. Margins reached and their look was concerning. It took three months for an OB to see me with those results because the day they came in I was told I was also pregnant. Instead of abort as I was suggested to and deal with diagnosis and treatment, I kept my son. Just not one to have one done just to get rid.

Very scary and stressing to be pregnant and month one no doctor. At first visit and consult where I hand biopsy results from FAU's specialist, you’re told they cannot provide you prenatal care. Then month two another doctor says no because they can do the OB part but do not specialize in risky pregnancies. 

For one in my then circumstances, an obstetrician who has a specialist they work with and can interpret the bi-weekly results of was a must. A special ultrasound that is 4D on steroids to see every angle of the fetus and your cancerous tissue was a must. So finally I found Royal Palm Medical in Coral Springs who had a specialist (Neonatal Surgeon) at Plantation Hospital I saw every two weeks my entire pregnancy. The women who delivered me were the best and all my follow ups, out-patient procedures and referral to Dr. Ndubisi the best in cancer extraction was reassuring I was in good hands. So right now I am going through a similar situation and look forward to tackling the same each time before, with a clear mind and focus on me. Reducing my output and listening to my body more. Learning to deal with judgments for one can be many things but cannot say they understand what you are going through. I am going through much of this now and that too can be draining. So I stay in my lane. Till next time as I go at it again to avoid worst.