Father's Day Chronicles: My Son's Dad

My Son and His Dad at The Museum of Discovery & Science (Fort Lauderdale)

One may feel I am feeling my son's father for sharing a post about him and not the case. We are not compatible but we are both mature enough to take care of what we both created in an amicable way. I am one who loves to encourage greatness. Men get the raw deal from disgruntle "Baby Mama's". I for one will not label myself one and make sure to always thank his father for all he does. Men, especially black men need to be acknowledged for being there and taking care of their kids.

Now for us as in parents, we are always striving to be the best we can. We never fight or argue in front of him after the first and last time he ever saw such thing. That was the day I left for my sanity. It was getting ugly. The one thing I prayed for, knock on wood, I got is our being able to parent our son and not be nasty to one another. We have been through it in the ten years off and on relationship till we finally four years ago ended it. So with Father's Day looming near, I just as always want to put it out there in the universe, I am thankful for my son's father.

Soon my boyfriend will be a first-time daddy and I know he will be a great father as well. We are both excited for the arrival of "Might Isis"!

The Stitch: My Cerclage Procedure

On May 13th I had a McDonald Cerclage put in to keep Mighty Isis in.

At Northwest Medical Center where Dr. Zafran my Obstetrician did the procedure all my nurses were awesome!

Now, the anesthesia took a bit to wear off. It was done quick, the stitch put in at 7:40 all done by 8:10

A week later, feeling better.

Why The Silence Online, My Pregnancy

Mind and energy better. Just physical pain still getting use to. Every pregnancy is different as they say. Just want to make it past seven months with all test results coming back positive as they have when it pertains to the baby. Me, on other hand is having all types of complications.

I have been very reserved for good reason in sharing all details. Just know every other week in an ER. Dealing with many losses including a livebirth loss among having three pregnancies with one miracle baby makes one like me take caution in sharing joys of expecting. It is a pain that never goes away, the loss of a child but this year I faired better.

A man I soon shall be united with came around and was there for me this month when no other was on my baby's anniversary of birth and passing 28 hours later. I do not harbor contempt for another who does not care or acknowledge her birthday since she came suddenly and went suddenly. Just, I am human and as many wish birthdays or reach out to those who lost loved ones, I do my remembrance alone.

So the fact communication was never an issue, just how my beau and I do so was makes me assured I made right decission. Much growth on both our parts and just humbled I had someone for the first time acknowledge my Rosslyn without being told. I guess being pregnant and working hard on not stressing over the major tear jerkers to add to current health concerns made me stop my March tears and sleeping with her ern every night. By her April 17th birthday I stopped crying and had a smooth April 18th memorial of her in my heart this year. Just something I am use to, getting over major hurts, on my own. As for some who can truly relate, I have had to deal alone for real, for real. While I do not have many who reach out. Many have family, friends or others even if only one who remembered them to even say, "How you doing?" when it really counts for them.

Not saying all this to throw shade, it is how I feel and happy atleast one is learning me and working hard in their way to show me they want to be there. We all show our pride different and as I have much work to do in tearing down iron walls, so does he. Just feeling better and now off to blog on HAY.

Have a great Sunday!

Loosing My Baby

My only memory of Rosslyn's keepsake given to me day taken off life support. Her diaper she wore, her name tag : Baby Francois, and the knitted outfit the give mothers who loose a child made by a woman who also lost her own. Then the picture they took of her after she passed. It has taken these nine years for me to get here and though tough around these months. The groups or pages I joined like Baby Angels In Heaven and others routine "Pick Me Ups" help. I can talk but some things I do not go into especially with those I stick around, namely kin. Just found my way to stay happy but learned after cancer scare, to not hold in tears or feelings. So these groups help me see what others say and prep me for when I can go that step and be open in one. You can never get over something you beat yourself up over mentally such as a loss. Just this pregnancy was not so smooth when I learned it was a girl. I do feel girls are cursed and worse off when left vulnerable and suseptible to manipulation due to longing for love . So, I post as Cover Photo as part of my yearly ritual if coping and dealing how I see fit. #JustHelps :)

Silent No More: Molestation

#SilentNoMore The other day I asked a "Two-Faced" sibling who loves to embelish and lie to make self look pittiful to others to not mention her father who molested me and another sibling. She of course was a bit set back, but I had enough of a family who had been told, did nothing and still refer to this man as "Papi Saul". My bitter days are over cause they had to be. From five to sixteen it was a different world in my mothers home she shared with this manipulator who to this day she speaks to and reveres as the best man she ever had. Yeah, it's sadly like that. Four years ago at my breaking point and during break up with sons father I started letting things out. Many I grew up with knew nothing of this and those who did found their own reasoning to shrug off while I from nine learned to cope. Whether the nightly pissing in bed that stopped around six, the self help books I would find in the South Regional Library at nine or just telling myself I will not be crazy like my mom so get it together when I felt mentally overwhelmed. Going through insensitive family member comments and shows of acceptance of this person mentioned above hurt for many years but due to my nature I wanted  family and dealt. Yet at 34 and just not bothered as before about loosing family who wanted secrets kept but back bite, enter new ppl in equation who learned and also join in the love "Papi Saul" parade makes me say enough. I may be having a little girl and it makes me scared about her world I must protect. It makes me more distant from members who carry on and more ready to just be out. If this family can shrug the mental games and sexual abuse I and other sibling were subject to, why should I be harboring this and allowing all else to keep up the fiscade? Some will have to go through it to understand. I once asked another sibling, "Had your daughter come to you about being molested, would you keep mentioning the persons name in front of them? This family of mine needs to really do as their faith says, and mediate or stop the gossip and lying.  #ItHappened

Reflections: Those Confusing Moments That Have You Reflecting

Just not feeling much that use to be anymore. February 13th will find me thirty-four and with all I have been through, I just am more tired than affected. Just know that the energy once put into even replying to someones provocation just not even of interest if again, same old.

So right now as usual loving the new planned additions of more control of HAY Online Media brand. Our freelance portal on a affiliate site is promising to help foster the supportive community that wants to really help those seeking assistance with DIY measures to their online presence.

Since much online within the Diaspora do not see sunlight unless pimping it on Facebook which I am reading has reached agreements to allow indexing but noticed result from FB for a while now. So that there was one thing that confirmed suspicion of Search Engine dreams. Then the suspect things, lol.

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. Now the blogging sphere, I am getting back into and though been practicing much, there are certain things I want to more focus on now. Really all that was learned and also helping others understand online presence is also of focus. So a full plate on top of additions to client roster and then the updates to information online since keys ones made it and the demographic make ups are key focus for me this year. Being more efficient as in not just being on the Haitian version of anything. If any platform will do the same, that is where I will be sharing those talented youth who are so amazing. Just love it all happening while my personal life really sucks right now.

Just not liking the nightmares coming back at my age and the awkward feelings since much of what is being done is nothing new. Just as before I am tired of some limiting things. I just need to really close eyes to the things that are creeping in I do not want any part of. Just want to make sure VonRoss never experiences what I have and his angel, Rosslyn watches him as she did when he was in my womb. Just scary when so much you leave to another due to environments you choose not to subject you child to. He is my motivation as to why I go hard, but more so why I cut so many off. No time and again just convictions dictate to keep it real with my son. Also the convictions have me do all I do. I am blessed and lucky to have Ross as my son's father because he has a great role model who learned quick and has not been a disappointment. Just pray he is in favor always to be blessed with longevity to be there for VonRoss where I may not be.

I always felt things would be a way and see now it is why so much is being done at lightning speed and I am just along for the ride. No sense now to act scared. Just my thoughts right now among many more. #AquariusThing

Schizophrenia: Growing Up With A Parent Who Is Manic Depressive Schizo-Effective

Adele - Hello #YouTube

Listening to Adele, one of my many "Song Cry" artists that let me connect with my emotions. This song brings so many emotions to me at the times played for whatever reason it is. I am one that is true to my sign, Aquarius. I will be found more vocal than the anxious locked up in cage girl who loved the social scene but wanted so much to have her own space to just "Breathe". 

So as I listen to Adele, Hello song it makes me relive so much and reach the point of "Anymore". No more will I let my own demons hinder all other areas going well. I am soon to be married to a man who has shown me strength in a mans own transitions. He opens up to me in ways he does not to another and I realize that with appreciation. My world is as usual all up in the air, the only difference is this year it has not affected me as before. 

Before I would be a total basket case running away from the drama to come back to it later. That address it later aspect I have been working on has found me using this medium as one of the tools to release. I am grateful to Ms. Fab of Girl Talk with Ms. Fab because as I sought her for mentoring young girls, she has been helping me for four years heal. She has been working with me on my relationship issues and my inner conflicts of the me I see in relation to the estranged relationship between me and my mother.

This past fall a part of my world I thought under control became unraveled. I learned some horrible news. It has reinforced my mission to make sure my son is good and all other kids are. We always find meaning in a movement. Well mine started with a nine year old girl not wanting to be like her mother and save a nation. That sounds so cliche, but it is my truth. Thank you!!!#Hello #SongCry