Loosing My Baby

My only memory of Rosslyn's keepsake given to me day taken off life support. Her diaper she wore, her name tag : Baby Francois, and the knitted outfit the give mothers who loose a child made by a woman who also lost her own. Then the picture they took of her after she passed. It has taken these nine years for me to get here and though tough around these months. The groups or pages I joined like Baby Angels In Heaven and others routine "Pick Me Ups" help. I can talk but some things I do not go into especially with those I stick around, namely kin. Just found my way to stay happy but learned after cancer scare, to not hold in tears or feelings. So these groups help me see what others say and prep me for when I can go that step and be open in one. You can never get over something you beat yourself up over mentally such as a loss. Just this pregnancy was not so smooth when I learned it was a girl. I do feel girls are cursed and worse off when left vulnerable and suseptible to manipulation due to longing for love . So, I post as Cover Photo as part of my yearly ritual if coping and dealing how I see fit. #JustHelps :)

Silent No More: Molestation

#SilentNoMore The other day I asked a "Two-Faced" sibling who loves to embelish and lie to make self look pittiful to others to not mention her father who molested me and another sibling. She of course was a bit set back, but I had enough of a family who had been told, did nothing and still refer to this man as "Papi Saul". My bitter days are over cause they had to be. From five to sixteen it was a different world in my mothers home she shared with this manipulator who to this day she speaks to and reveres as the best man she ever had. Yeah, it's sadly like that. Four years ago at my breaking point and during break up with sons father I started letting things out. Many I grew up with knew nothing of this and those who did found their own reasoning to shrug off while I from nine learned to cope. Whether the nightly pissing in bed that stopped around six, the self help books I would find in the South Regional Library at nine or just telling myself I will not be crazy like my mom so get it together when I felt mentally overwhelmed. Going through insensitive family member comments and shows of acceptance of this person mentioned above hurt for many years but due to my nature I wanted  family and dealt. Yet at 34 and just not bothered as before about loosing family who wanted secrets kept but back bite, enter new ppl in equation who learned and also join in the love "Papi Saul" parade makes me say enough. I may be having a little girl and it makes me scared about her world I must protect. It makes me more distant from members who carry on and more ready to just be out. If this family can shrug the mental games and sexual abuse I and other sibling were subject to, why should I be harboring this and allowing all else to keep up the fiscade? Some will have to go through it to understand. I once asked another sibling, "Had your daughter come to you about being molested, would you keep mentioning the persons name in front of them? This family of mine needs to really do as their faith says, and mediate or stop the gossip and lying.  #ItHappened