"No Way Jose": I Stay Away From Snakes, That Is Why I am Still Standing

NO WAY JOSE from /www.reactiongifs.com/way-jose/

Some emails are no longer even opened because the confusion of working with snakes is more that gets me than the brand. If one is dabbling with those who are "Dead Ducks" and I want to dominate with associations that are clean, why is it one would not see it is as they and their snake counterparts say, "It's business." And that is what I am doing, protecting mine and its online reputation when I no longer, "F" with you. That song out now comes to mind,#IDFWU. Very vulgar so for those who know the Big Sean song about a chic he is not feeling will get the gist. I just am not feeling some anymore as many have felt the same about me. Right, "I ain't F'ing with you..." Nope, remember I cannot afford to with goals set for. Broke asses need to realize when to leave well enough alone when the many assumptions of ones brand direction are proved wrong,job is done. The job of dispelling, as many say let your success speak for you. That can also mean for those who get what the goal was. To make sure the youth are promoted well with SEO practices used well. Something must be done right for this to be happening? I love moments of truth that hit the many who never got it. Had they, their own research would make clear it was not jealousy, just facts. Bye haters is all that comes to mind. One has to make a choice if they will entertain the same limiting games. While I position my brand where it is meant to be all in the right timing within means to keep practices consistent others follow follies. Love the learning process as it pertains to how one wants to do business. It is a struggle that is welcomed because where HAY Online is today no matter the many who have come and went was all worth it. Sad that many still do not get what is out there for those who make the time to understand. All ones issues online is brand specific. If Google is asking for us all to be unique and share relevant content, why is it many see to copy or do things that are so limiting? Why are many who want to deal with a beast as online is do not do their research for the brand they lover so much? Why? Well, have a productive day! I know I will.

Being Strong Does Not Mean One Is Not In Need Of Help

Malice towards the strong can weigh them down. When you realize the same MO towards you while the same comment made, "You are strong, I know you will find a way" makes it clear it is no coincidence. Save that for your mamma is my sentiment to this BS.

To be honest, my feelings can be hurt if I were to keep company that made me feel unwanted. Some alienate you so much it became second nature in how they address you in their life. Once you peep this is the case, one should not take it to heart for long, Cry if it compels you to, go through the motions and rationalize the next course of action.

The one thing though, I fair better than the weak minded individual. Yet when you have family, friends and acquaintances come at you all the same way it has one like me re-evaluating much about society and others in my immediate circle of circumstances. I found my solace and do not beat myself up wondering why me anymore. The one thing I do know is I do not let myself be there more for anyone than they are for me. Some things are unconditional and when there is true genuine respect with love, one tends to want to fix the disparities brought to their attention. When you realize it is addressed but not maintained as in the compromise agreed upon whether silently and implied or verbally expressed,

My kick now is just to be grateful for my good group of friend who are like family who love me unconditionally. This use to feel funny, friends being there for you emotionally, physically and mentally more than your own blood. Yet in my case I am not an easy person in my family to approach since so many like to ignore the huge ass elephant smack dab in the living room, I am not one to keep my opinion or feelings in. Especially after my Cancer scare. No one, I refuse, will have me hold anything in that bothers me anymore. I find ways to let it out and move on when good and ready, I no longer hold another persons opinion as to what to do weight more than my own assessments of the situation I know better than them. Many fail to remember how they too are when telling a story to another, the whole truth is never told. There is more to it and thus why one has to take in all they are dealing with, current circumstances, and resources to best decide. That is a weight I use to carry living in the household I grew up in. When so many layers have been ignored and one like I who has never had closure or even acknowledgement of their feelings just chooses not to be reminded of that aspect. So I do make myself ghost and no one has the right to fault me. I am in the preservation of my own sanity phase of my evolution. I am taking all day by day.

Train The Web, After It Trains You

“Train the web”, a phrase I love to say that I gather throws many off. Yet, this phrase alone could mean doing one hundred things in one day. Real talk, it is a very daunting matter that many keep making worst as they go it alone without practicing Search Engine Optimization (SEO), the research many care not to is so important. Learn how your industry operates online and see what you are doing or not focusing on. If you do not get it, then that means many who do not have it (Money) like that, should then sit out till you do get it.

All one, not serious is doing for the most part is making sure those out there who can remedy their online presence dilemma will charge them more to do so. It will take time to correct and the average cost for a specialist is around $20 to $30 an hour. The going rate hourly is how some come up with their quotes by estimation of how long it will take to correct. This is something I do. I went by what the hourly rate was for freelance website builders and employers in my states hourly wages for the work. Those who have their strategies cut down to an efficient manner, make more. If it takes five working hours, plus cost of domain registry, website hosting and other costs in association with completion of a job to build a website then combining then draws up a number to give.

The tricky situation is going with someone who just does not only provide aesthetic help, but also knows where the brand went wrong in the first place. This needs to be understood well. Thus why many who are honest will tell a business owner they need to do more than what they came to them for. I for one now have learned not to take the job. Just my personal experience shows results and better working conditions with a client who did their research and continues to stay on top of SEO practices. No time for the headache when many do not care to educate why one thing or the other is done or not done. One faults you for not keeping their platform consistent, while their content creation is lacking. They are not paying you for content creation either so your time to find content on the web for them to share is now doubled. Week two passes still stalled on content but wants a superb job done with nothing. Their team who is supposed to get to you with information or collaborate on campaign strategy is not adhering to the recommendations. So the work is further plagued with set backs none on the other end are aware of, but you and the business owner. The user just notices not much going on with your clients page or website. Not worth it. Best to work for those brands who understand the terrain. 

Understand why something said would be done is no longer the case after their very capable specialist is awaken to a notification message on phone of update changes. Now to go in and mitigate any possible snags if any. Then re-work the whole strategy, may have to go into queued information and change text or image information presented if citing. Just so much can go one way or another. This alone would have constant calls to a client, "Okay, what was to roll out cannot since much in the practices used and queued a few weeks ago or days ago need to be tweaked." The ideal client: "Okay, thanks for the heads up, appreciate the hard work." Many of my clients are like this. Yet, some can be a bit unknowingly irrational for how online matters really are. The non-ideal client: "What is it I am paying you for? Why can't the post already set to roll out go as scheduled? Why did you post that current event (yeah the one that ties in associations)? I do not like the same tweet everyday. Can you change it?" While you take the time in another window out of six or more open at once to message while correcting. Wasting precious time that could have been added to correcting. Just these reasons alone for me personally have me work for short term projects and long term maintenance accounts most. I take on what I can handle and find more can be done with a client who came already with some knowledge or eager to learn. 

With countless video and your own countless attempts with some will have one a bit bothered by some questions. After an email, video inboxed or links to articles breaking down what you are doing for them and many still do not pay mind to them. Yet, they will make assumptions and some even berate you when they feel. I find I do not do well with this and why I hired customer care professionals who are training now. This for me is madness because when I first went for the same services I now provide and assist many youth with, it was hard to grasp. I went into researching and then implementing what was taught online. Then by doing it for my brand I learned so much. Also being somewhat of a perfectionist enthusiast, I went in as in “Ham” on the back end. Still use many website building companies who also host many of my brand(s) websites and through my own efforts with consistent behavior in key areas I could afford to maintain did well. So I got very good at what it was HAY Online was about in the first place, to make sure the youth succeed in all they do. What better way than making sure an entrepreneurial youth has an ace in their corner willing to even step in and do the extra they uniquely need.

I am always staying on top of trends as it pertains to Search Engine Optimization because this is an area I notice many in the community I service have played with in my opinion. Too many, even webmasters and developers I notice do many things the most basic principle in SEO would tell one never to. Link structure issues, website flow issues, and so much more. One thing for sure, I learn a lot from doing that have my clients doing way better. My “thing” is organic traffic generation, online presence monitoring with maintenance and website design restructuring. I love setting clients online presence up from start to maintenance. One is never done with all the changes many platforms make in response to big “Daddy” Google.  When updates roll out, I am well aware and now know how to remedy situations for those who are dealing with the same dilemmas I have or continue to. The knowing why an issue arose is best to understand well how to go about fixing it. Gradually remedy the situation and make sure all that “Daddy” say is what it is. Learn as you go and stay on top of new updates about the updates. 

Like in college all taught from freshman year to senior year expounds on the previous lessons learned before for a set major. So repetitive like, one paying attention, studying every possible angle will get it eventually and master it. That is how one should go about learning Search Engine Optimization. Learn the basics, apply them and move on to the next level of learning. This is when many realize the hell they put the last few online enthusiasts they never gave content to all at once through. Never understood why being asked how often they did an event or would have a project to share. So much information and closely updated about current events is greatly needed and appreciated. All these things help draw inferences and allows one to creatively come up with unique messages, posts of images and edited video that tie in the message of the campaign. The matter of online promotion and marketing still ties in the fundamentals of the conventional manner still a brand should go with. The only thing in today’s world of online everything, one needs to hire someone who has a good, firm knowledge of online practices all around. Knowing code also does not hurt. Have a productive day! I know I will. 

Never Again, I Loss

Reflections: A group I joined on my angels eighth birthday last weekend has me remembering why so much I use to do has to stop. Not that they were bad things, just not the right time for them when I chose to take on certain things. I loss it all because I made a decision I can never forget and was that catalyst that has me where my mindset is now. It is so disturbing to me that I at times when listening to others problems want to slap them. Just to know what I have been through due to my own actions, to see others who choose to still go down the rabbit hole when warned. Just really regret some things I can never take back but will definitely start-up and keep the things I do create in the future no matter what. My decision making practices have changed and still more room for correction in many other areas. I just wish I fought harder with this choice to at least have the possessions of my babies shrine. Lucky for me I always keep her tiny ashes with me so they too would not be a memory. I am getting there about the feeling sorry.#Tears

Drug Dealer #PostGame : Real Life Press Conferences

This video is hilarious but sheds a truthful light on a serious matter for women like me who are mothers of black sons. If they choose a life none would wish on their child, they are promised a life of running from the law. Sad that one can have a black son who is not doing one thing wrong but the fact their race and gender puts them in a sadly alarming predicament no mother wants to find their son in.



Mothers like I are scared. This is funny and many may disagree with me. It is ones right to agree or disagree. Just a way to shed light on this problem of young men feeling to be drug dealers and the police who think all black boys are drug dealers who should be shot first ask questions later.

SEO Help With Expectations Need To Be Real & Remedy Consistent

Many need to understand much in what is hurting them online must be corrected before the next phase of anything.

It is likened to this: Imagine you have a small cut and you can either neosporin it or put a bandage on it as it gets bigger and bigger uncontrollably because that wound cannot be remedied by a bandage alone or at all.

Well when one is coming to me in these "Still Up in the Air" times I call them, they need to be real with their expectations. The sad thing is what many need, many do not fully understand. Then the dilemma here too is those providing remedies have the corrections to make that are soooooooooooo vast, there is limited time to educate the lost. Yet what is so disheartening is many leave you who had you put in so much work into. Just to see them go towards measures that just call attention to the problems they were impatient to fix. Many have issues that were left to fester for years and want a remedy in days. One issue is that most who want it cannot or are not aware of the costs with time.

They come to one with a one-time amount they think to quickly fix something that may take three months, six months or even longer to fix based on so many factors. Mainly their budget or how they allot money to tackle online presence is their issue. The remedy itself needs to be consistent and then become part of that brands online strategy until analytic information says that area is no longer of focus.

So why all packages start off three months to six with understanding they may need more time. Always updating the client is key to as I learned through building clientele and addressing problems in communication. One thing for sure, if a client is not paying all upfront or automatic payments set up through a third party, HAY Online Media is not doing the work.

My Daily Online Presence Monitoring Client Accounts, The Analytic Challenges

Everyday, even on my supposed off days, that a client put on notice of understands is time away, I am still checking ranking factors. 

Each client has a folder I am constantly jotting positive measures and negative aspects that is impeding their growth online. 

Now, it is an aspect of my job to understand what is limiting a brands growth online. When it is understood all the areas to tackle, a plan for each area is set up. 

Yet, what is effecting one client is never what effects another. So much is done on the back end to remedy the issue. 

Much has to be taken into consideration and the biggest thing, is the clients budget to remedy and maintain. So often times it is not know how, it is also the means a client has to maintain the solution.

This is why I love clients who start their online ventures with me. I am too caring to a fault sometimes and often times the reason I will not do what a client comes to me for when I know from analytic information it will actually hurt their position online to. 

Had to learn to communicate this to all new clients from the start. My spiel, "You may have a great idea to get yourself where you want to be, we are here to get you where you want to be the right way. We may have to halt on those ideas while we go in and fix the problems. Our services are results driven and practical implementation of Search Engine Optimization to get you better ranking." 

One thing learned the most through feedback, not assumptions many have for one in this field, is to have new clients take an entrance quiz. One that tests their "Researched SEO Knowledge" acuity so when misunderstandings as to what they came to an SEO specialist like myself for they are getting. Or what they came to one for and not getting as they assume they understand why that too is not the case. 

Too many come to us who do this for a living among other things, for a quick fix. That is a very bad assumption, that it is a quick solution. First, when researching many previous and current clients, I have found prior issues that must be remedied before what the client wanted can happen. I have also seen reason to send material about why their content marketing is not being done so to plan for the moment if they are receiving online presence management and maintenance. One of my clients has this package and they are doing well the past year almost this May will make them with HAY Online Media. 

My company is meant to help those on a budget maintain and improve the right way. We focus on the future and how well content will last online the right way for their brand. So much so, it is a bit more intimate the work and why we keep a roster of client updated. If content drives much of what anyone sees or does online, why keep one driving this point with those few who find an issue with their campaign that had no branded content? Content is king and if one does not have it, the person handling your online presence whether one medium or a mix of services: Social Media, Website, Press Releases, Forum Participation, Link Building and More is in need of it as soon as possible. 

Get the unique content and if none, the constant sharing of others branded material is now going to overshadow your brand before a clear message was even shared about your own. So much goes into online presence so many who scrutinize do not even realize. Many who offer these services also need to understand that one who really does this to the T, can notice who is just setting up opportunistic shop in a new and growing field of service to the one who really is showing true correction tactics. As they say, "Real recognizes real." One thing to note, each specialist has their way of remedying a situation based on proven practices that yield results. Always learning and like how platforms using PHP are a bit different as to copy and paste. Those who understand code, CSS and other elements to website design may get what I refer to. My divulging it all will be crazy since it is what I do. Just good to understand code and new trends that help one change how to go about things down the road.

So every day, second and moment something is changing. Those who are aware of those changes fair better than the one who just read up on the latest in online practices copying what all else are doing. Prime example, Hashtags should be used in a strategic manner. Yet many use a different sequence and also fail to understand that after a while when more and more use them ones own posts may not ever be seen by potential conversions or visitors. So much to be done in moderation or overload dependent on again, the clients unique needs or inherent issues before they came to one for correction. I find the best clients are those who come well educated about the services they wanted. Yet, I assumed all wanting to get their business online were so serious they researched all aspects before paying for services. That alone is another blog post my friends. 

Have a productive Saturday! I know I will.

Warning, The First One To Cross The Bridge Is The Prime Target

A Score.org mentor in 2001: "Be careful when you are the first to build the bridge to cross the river, many will follow who may end up drowning you."

These words make all I do on the back end a must to make sure when that happens, not even a pebble can ripple the engine started. Always protect and set up a great defense to anything or one who threatens brand dominance.

Key to Online Dominance: Thoughts of A Haitian American Online Queen on Switching Up MO

Key to Online Dominance: One should never jump in with a bang if their pockets cannot sustain the still times. That initial bang was your signal to a search engine, HAY I am here and here is what to expect. So pace yourself if you are not loaded. It costs to stay the boss within any set industry online. From the web design team to the person greeting patrons into your store, plan out the transitions beforehand.

Basically, with how the web is, one who sets up their online presence with their means in mind will do better. The point is to figure a way to uniquely stay consistent within your business model as it pertains to promotion. Now what an audience may perceive is not always how it is on the back end or internal infrastructure of a company. So if you are limited in resources, always find a way to keep your brand mentioned.

Get to talking to the web about your brand.

Look at McDonald's, they are well known for their golden arches. Like many successful brands, they keep something symbolizing their company’s presence that stays the same no matter other changes. So once you decide a logo, a color scheme, phrase/slogan, or just anything synonymous with brand message keep it.

Stop the drastic changes that leave nothing of the prior years of ingraining the image or message into an audience head to cause one in it to be like that is them?

Always remember to keep Search Engine Optimization in mind each step of the way.

Strategize – Execute Plan – Online Presence Monitoring

SEO Work Related, Yet So In Tune With Many Other Life Decisions

In an effort to focus more Search Engine Optimization (SEO for short) still to be done I am just throwing in the towel with Twitter. Lol. The week of maintaining so many platforms, I am deciding to become more efficient with Twitter. Decided to purchase a year of unfollowers.com. Use to do it manually, blocking accounts spammy or unfollowing switchers, with aid of tools. Now with my current choice it is a must in next phase of focusing on school while the youth take over HAY.

That always was the point. I want degrees, yes plural and all up to now has been due to this ultimate goal in mindset. Roller-coaster it was and is, but I always wanted to be in school all my life while giving back through the knowledge with tools learned to make task more efficient. Learning life-skills and addressing those disparities in the next generation, namely our kids is important. I want it all and so far what I wanted so badly I got, the good along with the bad.

We attract all we get in life and that fact many love to take a trip down "D Nile", lol. Yet, really ask yourself this, why would you want your children to go through the anguish you have? Is it not the want for all parents to steer their children clear of the pitfalls that have had some of us cringe remembering? I know this one truth, I will succeed because life has shown the many hard times overcome and still standing. Just learning, absorbing and correcting. Try it!

Haitian AIDS March - April 20, 1990 Aids Discrimination Remembered today April 20, 2015

Loosing My Baby, My Angel Rosslyn After A Live Birth

Never knew April 16th, 2007, the Monday prenatal care visit for my first pregnancy would be the worst memory ever in my life. Had I known what I do now I would have gone to the emergency room sooner. Instead, I listened to a Memorial Hospital nurse who told me to wait for my Monday visit to their Memorial Healthcare Clinic on Pembroke Rd.

When I was cleaning the bathroom Saturday morning and felt pressure in the va jay jay area, no one could have told me it was not my plug that passed. I noticed the discharge and thought it strange, so I called Memorial and asked the operator to transfer me to an maternity nurse. I explained to the nurse I saw a creamy lightly tinged with reddish, brown coloring discharged. I immediately said to myself this is the plug as I described it to her. She asked how far along I was and then after asking more information said that it sound like I had lukorrhea a whitish discharge that can have traces of blood or other secretions giving it a faint light tinge of red. She asked when my next prenatal visit was and said for me to wait instead for it then to come in for what she said was normal based on my responses to her questions.

So, I waited till my Monday appointment. Even the days leading up to appointment, Rosslyn was so active and still tap dancing on my bladder. Yet, by Sunday even things felt weird but still I did as the nurse said since I already made over fifteen emergency room trips in the past four months. Always went in for every little thing. I had been told by many doctors who knew my gynecological history that it would be difficult for me to conceive, so I did not want anything to go wrong. She was active still but a lot lower and I felt pressure like right in my va jay jay area but thought she was just in a lower part of my womb. Come to find out she was actually dangling half way out my cervix.

Get to the Memorial Clinic prepared to wait a few hours before even examined. I am called in, put in stirrups and all I remember is the doctor yelling for a nurse saying call 911, I see membranes and the rest goes as follows. The doctor tells me to lay down flat on my back. Within minutes EMT's come in with a stretcher and place me gently on it. They strap me in and I am taken through the lobby with all eyes on me and scared out my mind, tearing up and holding my belly that felt a bit flatter. So much rushed through my head and one thing I recall saying over and over in my head, "I can never have anything, all I want is taken from me." This was a constant comment to my then boyfriend all through out this ordeal.

Soon as I arrived at Memorial, I was examined again and placed in a room where I was placed in the Trendelenberg position (Laying flat on a bed with my feet above head at a 15 - 30 degree angle). I was told I would spend the rest of my pregnancy in this position till Rosslyn developed well enough to be safely delivered. My estimated time was 14 weeks in this position, I did not last but a few hours. Blood was found on my sheets and all plans of facilitating the placenta and Rosslyn still in the sac to position in the most upper part of my uterus failed. Now, septicemia was their concern for me and I was told that my health out trumped hers. So contractions were induced to get my already open cervix more dilated so I can push her out no matter dead or alive. Through out this whole ordeal I was able to see her activity that was monitored by an ultrasound and her heart beat I could hear. It was strong and she was none the wiser to what was going on. She was half way in my womb and half of her from butt to toes was in my va jay jay area. She was still so active and that is why tearing was happening every time she moved. It hurt so much that alone, her moving around. Then the contractions induced and the twelve hours of labor was excruciating. All I was allowed were pain medication.

My ex was in the room being supportive and holding my hand as I cried and squeezed each time the pain was unbearable. I kept asking questions about what I can do to give her a better chance of surviving the breached forced labor. Some nurses and doctors were annoyed by my constant asking, as if I was just to push her out and write off as a loss since too early. Yet, I felt some glimmer of hope that would seep in once in a blue through it all. I was admitted around 4pm on April 16, 2007 and was in labor by 9pm and delivered her by cesarean section April 17th in the morning. The reason to do it, even after the doctors saying I was too young for the kind they would have to do that would best not snap her neck, was to give her every chance to survive.

So after accepting an epidural and them telling me they really do not give at the point I decided to get the c-section. Yet I was briefed that I was getting the "Old fashion", how they use to do them back before I was born, a transverse cut on my uterus that would limit my birthing experiences to fewer pregnancies if any. It would put me in the High Risk category indefinitely though other factors I deal with already deem me such in the first place. So more let downs and known future set backs in another department near and dear to me, having children. So, I got prepped for surgery, local anesthesia was administered, scalpel test done to make sure I did not feel, and my little girl was born today in 2007. Then the horror show begun. She is taken out and passes by my head and my now ex after letting out a strong cry that quickly went silent as they rushed her to an incubator and whisked her away.

Hours later I wake up in recovery, where they have me pumping milk and nurses are talking to me about feeding my new born. I over hear whispers of some nurses asking should they still go through the whole spiel and one in particular was the most honest to me when I asked, "Why should I pump? I do not know if she is still alive." The nurse said, "You are at Memorial Hospital, the best place any baby in NICU should be. Think positive. She may be a fighter" Well, I tried and I pumped the little that came. My then boyfriend and now ex came into the room they placed me in for recovery telling me a sibling I did not then and still do not deal with came to see me and did I mind. I told him to tell both siblings I did not care to see anyone. Then he wheeled me into the other room I was to be re-united with my little girl in. Then more whispers and I was told she will have to stay in the NICU for months and a nurse or I when strong enough can go bottle feed her my breast milk. The way they all talked, made me feel there was hope but the whispers and constant corrections made doubt easy to remain for me.

Finally, I was able to see her. They wheeled me in eight hours after giving birth to her and I saw her small one pound thirteen ounce self. So rubbery, raw looking. She had a band aid holding her jaw shut. She had small tubes coming out her belly button area and a small diaper that was too big so they left it open on her covering her private like a cover passed over just that part. I asked can I touch her and was told how to and what not to touch. So I touched her head and because I was afraid to tear her skin held her hand with my right pinky finger. The tip of my pinky she actually squeezed faintly. Her eyes never opened and I was informed her lungs had just started to form and were not fully developed. She was less than a weak shy of the time they normally would inject a premie with steroids to strengthen lungs. So I still had hope because all were shocked she was fighting and still alive on life support even.

Then the blood transfusion I was reluctant to do because I felt I was intervening too much with destiny was done. I got the bad news that she hemorrhaged from it in her brain after a blood vessel burst. They made me and my ex sit in a room with four specialists who each introduced themselves and their area of practice. Next, they proceeded to tell me and my ex the chances of her having a close to normal life were shot even lower with the grade four brain hemorrhage she sustained when they used a syringe to give her blood she lost. So I was given a few hours to decide if to take her off  or keep her on life support? If kept her on life support, she would spend ten months or more in the hospital. Waiting to see if she would possibly be a vegetable, mentally or physically disabled infant was not a good picture to me. We were given so many negative scenarios and also told a miracle would need to happen in our case for a descent outcome.

So we decided to pull the plug. The day they did it I was in the hospital already two days listening to babies being born, families visiting and just crying all the time very low so no one would hear. That day my little sister was there visiting me and keeping me company. My ex already told the nurse when she asked if I wanted to hold her for the first time after they take her off life support not to show her to me. Yet when he made the comment I did not argue it because I was at a loss for words with all going on so fast and his mental I did not want to bother either. He did not show much more emotion than a concerned look on his face. So after he left and it was just me and my little sister who was around twelve years old at the time were there, the nurse came back in. The nurse said, "I noticed when I asked if you want to be there when they take Rosslyn off life support you hesitated and your boyfriend answered no. I can bring her into you so you can say your last good-bye." So I told her she could and asked my little sister if she did not mind.

They brought her in all dressed up with the tape off her jaw leaving residue left by the adhesive on her jaw. She was in a pink knitted dress, pink knitted bonnet, pink knitted booties and pink knitted diaper cover. She was cold as ice and still looked raw to me. My little sister was so supportive and I asked her was she okay with seeing her dead? She said she was okay but I saw her eyes look shocked. I my self could not believe this was all even happening, the holding of a dead baby. So I still wonder if that effects her like it does me. Never really to this day talk to her about it. I told her then not to tell my ex or anyone. Yet that ended up being told a bit after. I had promised my then boyfriend I would not mention her or cry when I got home.

Those seven days in the hospital were the worst and I was so angry with how Memorial handle much of my stay. One, I should not have been subjected to hearing newborns all day. Yes, they gave me my own huge room that I could close the door to, but the constant in and outs still left me to hear the joyful cries and families visiting. I do not do well under anesthesia so my bowel movements were not happening, I was distended badly, my transverse cut on my uterus was another issue with healing, and other complications kept me there till a doctor saw fit for me to leave. I almost lost it if not for much I had already become accustom to as in meditation and always prayer. I still blamed myself for all of it saying, "Had I came sooner all would have been different. Had I wanted a girl more she would not be dead." It also did not help for many to say this to me when brought to the ER. I just blamed my thoughts, my past experiences that lead to my not wanting a girl and just all the "F' ups prior in my life did not help paint a glimmering picture. I just felt like a failure again.

I kept telling them about my call to the point they sent their representative to my room four days later apologizing for my experience and telling me there will be an investigation as to what I was told to lead up to all this. At the time and still today, I really have nothing good to think about Memorial. Thus for the birth of my son whom due to this pregnancy was also born a month early as planned was born at another hospital. I did not want any negatively associated memories of the first pregnancy to effect the outcome of the third. Yeah, I got pregnant six months later and lost that one seven weeks in. Though told to let my body heal for a few years since the cut I had is a serious one that heightens ones chance of rupture during an attempt of a natural birth I got pregnant anyway. I wanted and prepared for a natural under-water birth with Rosslyn and now I can never have a normal delivery. Well, not one done by a doctor anyway. I must now get a cerclage (a stitch that helps keep cervix from opening) for my incompetent cervix, cannot go into labor with contractions, and will always be labelled high risk any pregnancy I have.

Whew, so much still not shared but this was a load I had to get out. Part of preserving my sanity is learning to let it go. First, I must learn to acknowledge the things I keep buried. I confront my inner most thoughts more readily now and find solitude is best within the confines of nature. Seems when I try to with my family, I always get interrupted with another's own experience so this blog is an answer to much. I at least get to tell my story without interruption or being left to feel like someone no one really cares to know about. I sometimes feel this way and why I rarely talk about things that trouble me deeply. Tough many deem me a talkative person, there is much I just do not divulge. Yes, I will go on about my opinions, yet because I am guarded due to lack of outlets willing to be there, I just keep matters like these to my self . Now this blog is an answer to another area of contention for me. My life, my experiences and I have every right to let it out, cry it out and just feel it out.

Fellowship, Grateful For the Difficulties That Mold Me

A great feeling when around someone who is fighting as hard as you are for better. Not all come with the "Golden Goose" of solutions or saviors as in those looking out for one another. Understanding where one is coming from is key and if one feels the worth to go it together why not? We all have our strength for a reason and sometimes it is to just always be there. It reminds me of a woman who once told me to stop crying over always being there for others more than they are for you. She said, "You are still hear and maybe your purpose is to deal with the difficult. Just keep helping and in return it will help you." 

Yet, at that time over ten years ago I was homeless, a thing that is common for me due to my own actions. Not to say they are malicious, but towards my well-being they were. I would look out for others even when I knew it was my last and I would have to go to another for a hand out. Understanding this and realizing a change needed to be made brings me to where I am right now. In the same boat for other reasons but same outcome. Broke and homeless. 

Well, I have a home due to circumstance and to see all the love from people whose only connection is my son and his father, was at first hurtful for realizations I never wanted to accept. Mostly because of pride and still caring how my family who always find room to talk about me, yet never really talk to me would have more to say. I find that yes I am very angry with them. I will always be until the elephants in the room a skirted out. As I have on many occasions confronted many with heart racing not knowing what tongue lashing I would open up to and do, they rather be afraid of the wrath they are accomplices to. 

Nothing will ever be made right if congregations about my well-being and mostly downfall are topics of conversation I am privy to after the fact and yet no one have the balls without judgement to confront. A sibling tried and went about it all wrong. In this public back and forth since I can cut up in the house but for good old "Tet Cho" Nancy she gets it live and in public for more unwarranted scrutiny am belittled by a person who was too young at time all was boiling and festering to understand. To understand why I left home at 17 bare-foot walking to my then Pastors home a few blocks away. Thankful for a sibling who from birth has always seen and understood me. She made it clear the approach to me after knowing I am talked about but never addressed was not a good look. I got slammed on and told why I was a failure, I watched my father protect and shield this sibling something he never did for me, and I was the one publicly humiliated for any neighbor to hear and see. 

So when I am there for someone who is in the same boat, I just look at the lack of this same vigilant unconditional support I do not get from many in my own family. Not all are this way and even the one giving the lashing I forgave the moment the words that hurt so much came out their mouth. I just knew if they knew the full story I never divulged to them because of tender age when so much was going on they too would understand like their older sibling who seems to be the only one who truly gets me and without judgement or malice. She shows me unconditional love no matter how many times I fall. So really wish sometimes people would stop criticizing and just sit and reflect on their own watched actions when they are toting their beliefs while doing exactly the opposite of a man many love to reference name, Jesus. 

I will be there even when it hurts because I take my "Suffrage" badge with honor now to know it hurts and yet feels good to now accept why I must. We all have our purpose and mine is just to always be reachable for those who need to see that one can keep being slammed over and over but never give up as they choose to. Go through it, take time off, but as long as there is breathe there is room to fix anything. Just some days are more lonely and harder than others and find it is now okay to revel in them. Just never let the bad thoughts control the good. Find those things, rituals that pull you out and wean off those who encourage limiting behavior no matter if they are the only one giving you attention. 

Just my thoughts as I finished mopping the floor. Just be you and find you how ever it works for you while taking advice that fits your whole truth. Knowing thy self also comes with knowing not all advice is good advice even if it sounds good. 

Turntable Classic Mix (Hip Hop Edition) - DJ One {Haitian All-StarZ DJ}

Turntable Classic Mix (Hip Hop Edition) - DJ One {Haitian All-StarZ DJ}

Love working to this mix by media partner Haitian All-StarZ. Their mixes speak for themselves, well the beats and artists speak. Maestro at work DJ One of Haitian All-StarZ DJ's is. Truly a Turntable Classic Mix about Hip Hop. DJ One, you did that :)

Mind On My Angel Moments: Rosslyn

Rosslyn N McGhie, April 17 - 18 (28hours)

This month is always my hardest. Just want to breathe. One may think it has to do with HAY and really it is not about business or the struggle there. Just some things you learn of on top of my yearly funk around this time of year makes certain news hit one hard. So feeling it for so many reasons. At least I know how to mitigate the funk but it is already that time of year I think of my angel, Rosslyn most. Then a friend from school passes I have not seen for years, so another mother is grieving and I understand all too well how that feels. Wish I did not and then so much in recent joys with angst all in a short period. Just want to forget it all for a bit. Trying every day to stay above the blues. Today one of those teary then happy days. Just sad.