The Current Situation: Yesterday I spent most of the day in
the hospital with my estranged mother. We are close but not close. The use of
the word estranged is based on the definition of the word and the fact that is
how our relationship is. Just recently got back into talking after so much. We
were both at fault for differing reasons of course, just one lesson is the
matters that cause blows are not addressed. I no longer care to perpetrate
there is no problem and choose not to be around much. Even if pigs fly and it
would be addressed, I would not care to be there.
One who grew up as I
did could relate. If one feels I am detached, this is an area you will see that
all over. Tears, never shed for her more than the lack of anything affectionate
from her is all. You learn quick when young and as I was to not get feelings
hurt over and over after the first few times. This safety mechanism though is
also why I have no deep emotions, trust me I have tried. Will not beat myself
up anymore.
I believe an eye for an eye in many situations. Some's
personal mental hell is enough for me as relief in some cases with people who
have wronged me. I say this in a reflective manner, the fact I do not know or
care to anymore become warm to those I moved on from is paramount for me. So
yes, I care as in how all should care for another no matter what they did
because they are human. Yet, for me to just perpetrate, it is not in me and I
choose not to have inner conflict over it.
My sanity is more important to me and some things parents
allow is inexcusable, vile, and just destructive on so many levels to a child
of theirs productive future. It takes one much to overcome so much neglect
while still getting their shit together. So I do not mind being there because
she gave me life, I am a softee sometimes, and she deserves what we all do,
someone to just have compassion.
Compassion is possible once one can put aside for the moment
the hurt and just look at an older person, who had their reasons to allow such
past occurrences, and just needs to be taken care of.
My only thing is I no longer care to be around long. It just
irritates me the things I must put up with. The elephants in the room have
reached 500,000 and multiplying fast as the years go by on the over twenty five
years of bullshit. I use such vulgarity because this subject matter does that
for some reason. Any who I just feel for people even those who have done me
wrong. Just learning to stop trying to "Forgive and Forget" while I
must be reminded no one gives a damn.
So, it gets a bit much for me to be around much that is
brushed under the rug just for me to keep seeing names, hearing mentions, and
watching the jovial conversations that bring up parties in a revering way. Just
a slap in the face each time while you get others saying to "Forgive and
Forget".
How is one to "Forgive and Forget" when it is
thrown in your face no one cares? I get that every day for the past twenty five
years and it comes to a point one must put their foot down. The mental ware and
tear of always making it alright in your head while all else get to be loose
with their actions and comments.
So I just have said, "Enough with trying, just be
there, and move on." Move on as in away from all that brought the same
reactions. So if one wants to front and I do not get down like that without
words said on the phony, I will just not be in their presence much or at all. I
do not bite my tongue and will slip. I like to get things over with no matter if
full of anxiety myself on the matter.
I want that anxious feeling over with no matter how long it
takes. Cancer, loosing my baby and life circumstances changed that. I refuse to
subject myself to bullshit. I just do not care to rehash more than my occasional
mental release on here or in my journals. I am a come to mind, let it out and
move on person. I have to let it out, that which bothers me. I use to hold it in and
it got me what stress does, dis ease.
I have lived it, the outcomes of stress on the mind and
body. I would not wish it on anyone and why I go about my sons care a way. I
would never want him to experience anything I have. I will as yesterday morning
take the berating I get, as long as he is spared.
Those doing the berating will never understand and my
wanting one to back in the day is not my current goal anymore. I am fine with
my decisions and see the benefits already. I am moving on from yesterday and
the stress.
Today I just want to get acclimated, chill and work a bit.
Really wish at times I could just shut off my "Give A Damn Switch"
for some. I am slowly getting there through it all and just leave my mother in
the equation of parents to worry about. After my assessment of both, she was
there most even if so much happened.
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